new thoughts on feelings

Inside it sits...growing, creeping up until it hurts. I can't control the feeling. What does it mean? Am I weak, selfish self absorbed? I see it in others but have a hard time with seeing myself give in to it. It is almost unbearable to think I am at it's mercy. I fight. I pray. I meditate. I ignore and drown it in life's infinite chores. Sleep nor drunken folly does any good. It is still always present, demanding it's share of my soul. I am older now, wiser. I thought it would be explained away or simply blend in to the fabric of my existence by now. One thing is clear, it demands to be dealt with. Only I can decide how. Only my action can banish these awful feelings. Others bring them on but they are already there, lurking and waiting to be let out. No outsider has that much power over me. I have only loved once other than as a son or parent and I have been aware of the pitfalls of expectations regarding these forays. Then why does my heart and my mind simultaneously pound? What is the secret I hide from myself. It is clear that no outsider has the will to open this box. This is no surprise and actually better in the long run. If my soul can not fathom it then how dangerous and how frightful would it be for a weaker soul to encounter things so base? Words seem so small and meaningless. I listen to my thoughts and see the weakness they purvey. It sickens me. I am selfish, weak and pathetic. These are traits I have always despised. Cliches come to mind. Self pity abounds and it is squashed only to reappear. What is it I am missing? What is being asked, no demanded of me that I am not providing? The only peace is waiting in the place I can not reach. The wisdom I seek is hidden just beyond my reach in the corner that is unseen. I can feel it's warm touch I can not touch it. My guide has not yet revealed itself. Waiting will not due there must be action taken now. I don't feel the path in front of me. Perhaps it is not in front...behind? To the side? Inward? I will solve the riddle! I will prevail!