Jason

Please read all of this  

When you were born your brother was almost 2. Your mother wanted to be closer to you than she felt to Aaron so she really tried to keep you close to her. You wanted to do what your brother and I did by the time you could walk. Slowly you gravitated to going everywhere with your brother and me. This started you and I on our path.  

Our path centered around sports. I enjoyed recreational sports and you became a sports nut like me. As your brother lost interest we became even more obsessed. There were many fantastic moments and I loved watching you compete and especially coaching the best athlete who happened to be my son.  I was as proud as any father could be of you. You competed 100% and excelled. Even more important to me was you were a great kid. You didn’t cause trouble. You got along with everyone. Fantastic student. Great at math. Wonderful artist. I felt like the luckiest dad in the world. But I screwed it up. 

Being strong is strange. I came off as strong but as you most likely realize now that you are a father, I was scared shitless. I don’t need to tell you what our lives were like. You were the one thing I didn’t have to worry about. Wrong!  I spent a lot of time with you but instead of helping you stay on the wonderful path you were on, I ignored every warning sign that you were maturing. I just always thought you were going to be ok and figure things out.  What an asshole I was!  I think I was a prick to you because I felt like you were so gifted that if you didn’t do things better than everyone else you weren’t trying. Ironic because throughout my life I’ve been accused of the same thing. My motivation was pure fear. I was petrified you may turn into your brother, your mom or worst of all me!  I wanted Jay to become what Jay was meant to be. Better than me!  You were always better than me 

Fast forward to when the wheels finally fell off our family’s wagon. You were in a critical part of a young guy’s development. About the age Ty is as I write this. I had dropped out. I was spent. By this time my obsession/ignoring ping pong parenting of you had taken its toll. You looked up to me less and resented me more as time passed. 100% on me!  I was lost but that is no excuse. I had passed up on so many opportunities to make a hard decision that might have helped but I was stubborn and weak. So now you had less guidance and a couple of broken parents each trying to recruit family to their side. This at the time you most needed a strong male influence. I was a pussy. That hurt you. But not as bad as what I did next. 

Something that I realized was that as our family deteriorated and I wasn’t your coach anymore you began to feel like I only cared about Jason the athlete not Jay my boy!  Also I was learning more about coaching each year which allowed me to become less emotional and more cerebral  so you say me coach other QB’s with nurturing tactics while you and I clashed  again 100% my fault.  The truth was that I was so proud of you for everything you did  I felt like your brother was going to have a very difficult life based on his childhood.  My boy Jay was going to not only land on his feet but he’s going to write his own ticket!  All you needed was a consistent man  I was the opposite  I failed you  

A strong man and good father would have been there for you. Instead I spiraled so badly that I brought an even more messed up bunch into the mix and ruined any chance of being the father you needed. Today I’m absolutely shocked that I did that. I had a chance to tell you this and help you see that all this stuff you carry around is mine, not yours!  These were my malfunctions. I spend time every day thinking about you and my failure as your dad. The one thing I want more than anything before I’m gone is for you to see that I know what I’ve done to you. Then hopefully you can slowly let all of the crap I’ve caused seep back to their source, me!  

Jay I love you so much. I’m a very strange guy as you already know so many times I say stupid things yet hold in things like this that are so important. I wanted to write this down because whenever I have tried to bring any of this up you always blow it off like it’s all ok now. It isn’t! Please understand that my desire is to free you from my bullshit. You have enough stuff with yourself and your family.  

I’m putting this into the bunch of stuff I have written for you to read after I’m gone but I don’t want this hanging over us. It’s obvious that just because someone admits being an ass doesn’t make stuff right. It doesn’t mean you can forgive me or even get over it. I realize this. But I want to take steps forward if we can. Baby steps are fine. If not I understand. You have a wonderful family and kids that probably make you feel like I felt about you. I crave more time with them also. I love you son and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there as your father when I should have been!  

Just read this and know it comes from my heart. It’s taken me far too long to tell you this. It means little if I don’t follow it up with actions. I’ll honor however you react.