"Once in a while you get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right".
Robert Hunter
We lose and gain people in our lives. Sometimes people die. Other times someone moves away and doesn't keep in touch. In other instances people cut us out of their lives or we eliminate them from ours These are almost always a source of sadness and pain. Is that really all there is to it? Short answer is no!
Reflection. True reflection.
This type of trauma offers a unique opportunity to check ourselves. Most of the time our psyches turn to our "responsibility" for the state of things. We wish we told someone we loved them more. I should have kept in touch. Man, I was not a very good friend, parent , child, employee etc! For the vast majority of people this is short lived. Nothing really escapes our psyche, only our surface consciousness. This state of semi consciousness is what advertisers call Top of Mind! All advertising is designed to insure shallow thought and emotional response which overrules rationality and allows for fleecing!
The reason we don't keep these ideas for long is simple. It's painful to look inward. It's easy to assign responsibility to outside forces. So our reflection ends. The psyche does this in order to protect itself. Growth requires us to fully embrace our own responsibility in all things. But wait, it's not MY fault! They didn't do, say, give, beg or whatever. Well if you bear no responsibility how can you make things better? Hmmm? You can't. That is beyond convincing the other party that you are a victim that responsibility lies with them. Most who read this are agreeing while forming a lineup of all the offending parties in their lives in their minds. This is a great example of this common malfunction!
Why is this such a handicap? How does blaming ourself help us grow in a positive way? In order to solve a dispute there must be a reckoning. Not a reckoning where one party annihilates the other but one in which some common ground is reached. If you are righteous then the only acceptable outcome is the other party admitting their evil ways. Not going to happen. So finding some true responsibility in yourself is the only real asset you have to barter with. I will explain using my relationship with my children as an example.
There are so many variables in this condensed story that any one mentioned could use as excuses for our own responsibility. This seems to be the practice with us and is a good example of the train of thought I suggest.
I was a very young, aggressive, troubled and conflicted dad. My decisions surely affected my children in many ways, many of them negatively. The path our lives would take had effects on them I see today as clearly as if they were painted on the wall. I reflect daily on my culpability in creating the scenarios that damaged my children. Attempts to communicate to each of them that I acknowledge my mistakes and see the damage I have done are not too successful. None will accept it. They all tell me in their own way that it's fine. They say they get it and I did a good job etc! The fact is I was good at some stuff. I don't need to have them acknowledge that. My goal was to allow them to heal from my stupidity while balancing my own guilt trip a bit. This is another reason this type of soul bearing doesn't work unless the other party is motivated to actually heal and grow themselves. Hopefully my decision to write each of them a detailed list of my failures and how I see them overcoming them will help! Since they won't accept it now, hopefully after I'm gone they will be able to!
Most of us have similar stories. Many people look at themselves in absolutes consciously. We are either pillars of perfection or a dumpster fire of failures. Again this is due to the inability to truly reflect. Without this data we are doomed to our feelings with no guide. This is exactly why we have so many unbalanced people running around bouncing off of walls.
It's traumatic to reflect. Even good memories remind us of fleeting youth, love, friendship etc. Folks often ask themself why their parent, spouse, friend didn't like them, love them or favor them. The idea that we can look back and see all of the things we did or didn't do when we should have might be tough but it is the only path to the truth. Back to my example of my kids. They all have thoughts on who the favorite is but their reasoning lacks any self reflection. Their reasoning is very easy to see yet it is not accurate in reality beyond how they feel about it. The fact that there is a thought of "favorite" reveals many problems. My role in each of their opinions is obvious to me. So how do we start the process of true reflection? How do you help someone become motivated to try?
