November 16th, 1956. A newborn boy was delivered at Encino Hospital in California. His mother had decided to give the baby up for adoption. The parents were a bit older than normal as they had not been able to have children of their own. George, the father, was also an adopted guy who's adoptive parents and relatives lived in Utah and Colorado. They were Mormons. George was not a practitioner of any religion. The mother, Marie on the other hand was the product of a large family. They were as Catholic as one can be. They lived one street over from Maries' brother Fred and his family. Fred and Dora had just been blessed with their first child Michael. Michael was 7 months older than James, which was what Marie and George named their son. James Arthur Baxter.
Growing up in a family with so many kids as the only "different" one was interesting to the youngster. It always made him nervous when there were family events as there was a kind of pressure. It was as if everyone tried really hard to act normal around him which only made it super creepy as this kid had a knack for seeing the true person in front of him. Sometime around his 5th year the kid figured out something finally. It was school that prompted the epiphany. The other kids didn't act the same way towards him that his "family" did. The teachers didn't either. So it became obvious that the household he was born into was skewed, not the rest of the world. This started the kid on his path of discovery.
Fast forward to shortly after graduating High School. He is 18 now and has had a bumpy ride up to that point. Home life was traumatic daily as the parents fought constantly and took it out on the kid. The boy didn't take the easy road. A high spirit and self control issues had grown over the years of nonsensical noise to the point there was zero stability and nobody really steering the ship. This led to a series of relationships with females and a lot of drinking and partying. One such relationship resulted in a pregnancy. 18 years old. In college. The kid liked the girl ok, but had no feelings past that for her. Not in a million years would he choose to even date her going forward. But, she was carrying a child. The first actual "blood" relation this guy would ever have the chance to meet. Thoughts of his own upbringing swirled for about 1.2 seconds until he "knew" he could not leave this kid to the wind. The girl was clueless as to the world and how to exist. The boy wasn't much further along. This was a relationship made in Hell. Not just between the boy and his wife, but between the child and his mother. This was a repeat of the fighting in the home between Marie and George, but between mom and son. Of course it always came to the point where "dad" irritated both for not seeing, caring, or taking the correct "side".
There are many more things like the idiotic decision to pair up with yet another broken psyche in the form of a woman with 4 of the worst kids you could dig up anywhere. This was prompted in part to the guy being basically shut out of his kids lives. The minute the relationship ended and separate living arrangements were made, the guy almost never saw his kids. The exception was weekly barbecues. When they did get together, it was Deja Vous for him. The same creepy feeling of being an outsider was there! This time from his own blood. The guy was about 36 when this Deja Vous first hit him. Today he is 64. Four children and a pack of grandkids.
Even though the “new” household was full of problems the family got together on weekends at my house we had fun playing games, breaking bread and hanging out. This was the last real family interaction including dad The kids got busier as their families grew Family interaction for dad was reduced to Birthdays and holiday parties Dad lost his troubled second wife to her demons and nothing changed There were very few opportunities for interaction The choices were to push his way into the lives of people who show little interest in interaction or accept reality and live his life His personality precludes number one so…
The real sad part is the opportunities to learn from him are lost. The guy has reached a pint where he asks himself if he really "likes" these people. Sad yet necessary for his own well being. So it is now not a priority to see family. It is a chore. It is at times creepy and brings up almost nothing but resentment and bad memories.
Sitting here writing this I am overcome with emotion. I feel a sadness for all the love, guidance and general wisdom that will die with me without being shared. I spent a lifetime acquiring these and they are priceless. But more than any of that, I feel a huge sense of relief in that I will never give any of these people power over my happiness again! Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my children. They have done well taking care of their families. Just wish I could have actually been a part of their lives.
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